Legolas's Magical Journey
by edgy wedgy
Summary: After several broken marriages and exile from Mirkwood, Legolas decides to give up on love. Until he meets a very reluctant Mary Jane. Is this why he joined the fellowship?
1. Flight to the Ford

All my other Lotr stories were based solely on The Hobbit, the second movie and chatter from friends. Having finally finished reading the first book, this story actually has something to do with the Lord of the Rings. That said, I'll let you be the judge on its quality.

Warning: this defies (almost) everything Tolkien wrote so major Tolkien fans might want to avoid this. Actually, if you are a true Tolkien fan, then this might be an interesting insight into what could have been. If you want to be a Tolkien know it all, but have never been able to get more than a few pages into the book, here is a place where you can get all the facts and all the entertainment, but from a slightly different perspective. Considering book two of the fellowship has almost 300 pages, it doesn't have very many exciting parts in it, and if you're like me, somebody before you has ripped out bits of the exciting bits leaving you with hardly any satisfaction at all. 

You might also want to read Legolas's Magical Hat/Shoe/Breeches as a lot of "history" is contained there. 

Anyway, happy reading!

Legolas's Magical Journey 

Chapter One

It was all dark. From the sound of light breathing, Mary Jane could tell that young Elizabeth was fast asleep. This was her chance. Quietly, she crawled out from under the bed. She glanced Elizabeth's clock. It was 3 AM, all in good time.

            Suddenly, a loud noise shrieked from the kitchen. The cat was raiding the fridge again. Mary Jane looked up, holding her breath. Elizabeth did not stir. Exhaling, Mary Jane slowly edged the door open – Elizabeth had not remembered to "click" the door that night.

            She crept along the wall and came to the top stairs. _Oh boy_, thought Mary Jane, _the stairs_. Closing her eyes, Mary Jane lunged forward and dived down the stairs. When she opened her eyes again, she was looking at the front door. She easily covered the distance to the door.

            So far so good.

            It was closed. _Rats_, she thought, _now how am I going to get out? Stupid old fashioned people who just _had_ to live in a Victorian house with no cat flap._

She looked up at the night sky through the stained glass and groaned. There was only one way to get out – through the window.

Mary Jane wandered around the first floor, checking for open windows. She found none. Her beautiful mood was ruined when she realised that the only open windows were probably in Elizabeth's room.

Reluctantly, Mary Jane turned around and braced herself for the long climb to the top. As much as she hated Elizabeth, she could not help feeling bitterly grateful for all those times she had been carried up the stairs.

By the time she had reached the top of the stairs, Mary Jane was missing Elizabeth. But what had to be done, had to be done and quietly, Mary Jane crept back inside Elizabeth's room.

The window was open. Mary Jane climbed up onto the desk and peered out the window. Traces of dawn could be seen. She glanced at the clock. It was now five thirty.

Mary Jane had one last look at the sleeping girl. She looked so sweet when she was asleep, so unlike the loud, rowdy, disobedient monster she became when awake. As Mary Jane stepped onto the ledge, she had no regrets. She was sick of being dressed up with sickly green racing car patterned socks. On rare occasions when she was actually dressed with frilly white socks, she'd be dragged through the mud. It took days to get clean again.

Taking a deep breath, Mary Jane calculated her landing position and plunged toward the ground.

CRUNCH!

She had landed in the middle of Elizabeth's mother's favourite rose bush. Struggling, Mary Jane wedged her way out of the plant and bounced down the street. She reached the park and climbed onto the edge of the fountain.

Peering into the water, she noticed scratches all over her once shiny black coat. _Ah well_, she thought, _at least now I'm free._

Feeling suddenly on top of the world, Mary Jane jumped into the fountain and splashed around. She did not realise she was slowly sinking.

***

Legolas was hurriedly running away. He didn't know how many guards his father had sent after him, or whether any guards had been sent at all. It was hard to tell if Thranduil felt like locking Legolas up or if he wanted to kick Legolas out.

Legolas didn't wait around to find out. He ran clumsily through the forest for several days, neither stopping for rest nor eating. By the time he'd escaped Mirkwood, he was a tragic mess out in the open. He found a nice grassy area behind a rock and there he lay for three days straight, not stirring once.

After this "nap", Legolas felt much more alive and started moving again. Now that he was out of reach from his father, he had no idea where he was going to go. The only living things he'd made contact to in the last few decades were Gollum, Flipper, and Fang, and they all lived in Mirkwood.

Legolas paced up and down. After two days he still had no idea where to go. He sat down in despair at the thought of returning to Thranduil. 

Suddenly, a puddle emerged in front of him. Legolas jumped up, alarmed. It was not raining that day, so the water must've come from elsewhere. Legolas feared he had wet himself and cried in dismay.

However, as the puddle grew bigger, Legolas became doubtful. Surely he didn't have that much in his bladder? The puddle grew and grew. Legolas was now getting anxious. Water in amounts that big didn't just appear without a reason.

Then, almost instantly, the water disappeared. Legolas stared. There, in the middle of where that huge puddle had been sat the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Legolas approached her to get a better look. She was black and shiny with a pretty silver buckle. She was smiling at him.

Legolas blushed happily. "Hello!" he cried.

"Hi," said the shoe, "I seem to be lost. Can you tell me where I am?"

Legolas giggled a bit, till he realised she was speaking to him. "Oh, yeah, um…we're somewhere along the Great River."

The shoe looked thoughtful. "Where are you going?" she asked.

Legolas thought for a while. He really wanted to impress her, so he pulled out the first thing that came to his head. "Rivendell."

Then, realising that the edges of Mirkwood were still in view, he hastily picked her up and headed westward.

An exciting adventure is about to begin. Either that or complete stupidity.


	2. Many Meetings

Don't abandon it (my story) yet! It's not as silly as it looks! There is depth in this (somewhere). Just give me a chance!

Chapter Two – Many/some meetings

Mary Jane was apprehensive. One second she was bathing in a pond, the next second she was in the middle of nowhere. What had happened?

Well, whatever had happened, Mary Jane didn't want to stick around to find out. However, she didn't get much of a chance to choose. Because before she could study her new surroundings a little, a giant blonde had strode over and picked her up. And now she was steadily moving further and further away from the only visible sign of civilisation.

Unable to struggle free, Mary Jane looked up at her captor. She was tall and slender with long silky blonde hair. Her first impression was that she was now back home at Elizabeth's place. Her surroundings were unfamiliar but her captor seemed to fit memories.

Memories of dolls Elizabeth played with. "Barbies."

Alarmed, Mary Jane struggled harder. It wasn't possible. Her head seemed to swell up so big that Mary Jane was surprised she hadn't popped. She couldn't have shrunk could she? And how did she get from the pond back home so quick? And of all places, why Barbie land?

Then, a sudden realisation of something blatantly unobvious struck her. This Barbie was actually male. It had taken her such a long time to figure this out because he looked so girlish, but Mary Jane worked it out in the end. It was something to do with the way she was being held – very uncomfortable squashed up between her captor's palms and fingers. He couldn't have ever been with women before.

            Another thought hit Mary Jane and she resented being so slow. Barbies were always girls. Always. Boy Barbies had short brown hair and were incredibly stupid.

            This meant that her captor wasn't a Barbie, which meant (to her great relief) she hadn't shrunk, but this meant (and Mary Jane panicked again) that she was lost! She was in the middle of nowhere.

            And she was going to Rivendell, wherever that was.

The journey to Rivendell was long and tedious, and Mary Jane soon found herself bored out of her mind. The tight grip that held her was not making the trip any more pleasant.

The blonde "barbie man" (the new name she'd given her captor) did nothing but smile and Mary Jane began wondering if it were such a good idea to leave Elizabeth after all. Elizabeth may have been very rough with her, but she would never drag anyone through deserted places and smile about it.

Legolas, however, did not seem to notice any downsides to this journey. He was smiling broadly, believing ever so steadfastly that his decision to leave Mirkwood was, indeed, a very good one. As if he even had a choice.

Clutching his newfound love protectively, Legolas skipped through what he believed was sunshine. Winds blew, rain poured, the sun set and rivers appeared, but to Legolas, everyday was bright and warm.

When Legolas finally got to Rivendell, he was a real mess, but he felt very confident that he had won his love's admiration.

"Greetings!" a voice called.

Legolas looked to see a very smug elf standing a few feet in front of him. He was giving Legolas a look of utmost distaste.

"We've had many visitors today," the elf said, "are you here to speak to Lord Elrond?"

Legolas panicked. He suddenly realised that he had no reason for being here. He was only trying to impress the shoe but now that he was back in civilization, he had some explaining to do.

"Yyyyyyyyes," he said, "I…er…I have…news! I have news…to report to Elrond!"

The elf gazed at him sceptically. "Very well, may I ask your name?"

Legolas wondered if he ought to tell this guy his real name. After all, if he wasn't going to hang around, if he wanted any chance of escape, he'd have to be unnoticed.

"My name is Tr—

"Legolas!"

Cursing, Legolas looked in the direction of the evil person who'd given him away.

It was Elladan. Or was it Elrohir? He had his back to Legolas and was talking very quickly to his brother, Elrohir/Elladan. "So he asks me, 'What about Legolas?' and I said, "Well, Legolas is great at archery, he can shoot…"

So he hadn't given Legolas away after all.

"Well?" asked the elf impatiently.

"Sorry, my name is Tr—

"LEGOLAS!"

This time two hands landed on his shoulders. Reluctantly Legolas turned around to face the twins.

"Hi Legolas!" the first twin said loudly in his face.

"Hello," said Legolas rigidly.

"We were just talking about you," said the second twin, "And then Elrohir saw you turn around to us and then turn away. Why didn't you say hello?"

"Because…er…because I didn't see you."

"That's a shame," began Elrohir, "But now that you're here…"

"We can go do things!" finished Elladan.

Just then, the elf whose name hasn't been introduced yet said nastily "So, Legolas, I'll just go inform Lord Elrond that you have arrived."

"Okay…" said Legolas weakly and turned to face the two eager faces.

"Alright," said one of them, "you haven't been here for ages! What's been happening?"

Legolas thought of his many failed marriages and shuddered. "Nothing."

"Really? Well we want you to meet our foster brother!"

"Yeah, he's really really cool. He's a HUMAN!"

So Legolas followed Elladan and Elrohir who lead him to an old man.

"Legolas, meet our foster brother…ESTEL!"

Legolas stared at the old man. The old man stared back.

"Estel, this is Legolas."

So he was going to have a staring competition was he? Well, Legolas certainly wasn't going to let him win.

And so they stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Then the old man winked and burst out laughing. "Good to see you, old friend!" he grinned.

Legolas was lost. Who was this man and since _when_ were they "old friends"?

The man came forward and embraced Legolas. "Just play along," Legolas heard him whisper.

After he let go, the old man said, "How've you been all these years?"

"Oh, not too bad," he said casually, smiling inwardly at the dazed looks on the twins' faces.

"How do you two know each other?" one asked.

"Oh we met, a couple of years ago, out west," said Estel.

The twins nodded dumbly. Legolas grinned.

In case you haven't realised (and this is for those of you who are fuming because of mistakes and out of characterness et cetera) this is a parody. I said earlier that this defies everything Tolkien wrote and I meant it. Literally.  
This is an epic tale about Legolas's journey with the fellowship, that he really isn't what he appears to be. You'll see what I mean next chapter.

This story doesn't contain editing of major events of the books, simply a different view of the story. From one you've never seen before.

Anyway, if you're not bored yet, come back some other time and I might put more up. 


	3. The Council of Elrond

Thanks for reading. Provided that you are reading. Oh gosh, I'm talking to nobody aren't I? Man.

The Council of Elrond

Legolas was alone with the old man. An unbearable silence had erupted and the twins  "had other things to do" so they left the two to "share old times".

Legolas looked closely at Estel. "Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Do what?"

"Why did you pretend we knew each other?" said Legolas.

Estel chuckled. "You pretended too."

Nobody said anything.

"You've been having a hard time," said Estel finally.

Legolas was startled. Estel couldn't possibly know? Could he? "No," said Legolas, "I've been fine. Just great."

Estel chuckled again. "Is that so? Have a look at yourself man, you look like you've come out of a volcano."

Legolas looked at his ripped pink dress that was covered in mud and pouted.

"Aw, it's ok," said Estel, patting him affectionately on the shoulder, "But I suggest you clean yourself up before Elrond sees you."

::::::

After Legolas had cleaned up a bit and changed into something more appropriate, he began thinking about a plausible explanation to his abrupt arrival.

                  His thoughts were interrupted by a bell ringing and voices calling. Whatever was happening, Legolas didn't want around when it happened. He decided to go and "be on a walk that very unfortunately caused him to miss the event". He didn't go unnoticed. The Elf that had earlier asked for his name appeared out of nowhere and grasped his arm. "That is the warning bell for Elrond's council," he said, "He is expecting you to make your 'news' announcement." The elf lead him away, smirking.

                  He placed Legolas in a chair and took the seat beside him, his gaze fixed firmly on the trembling elf.

                  Legolas squirmed. He didn't like being watched so intently. His attention shifted to the other attendees. There were some dwarves, some men, some other beings and plenty of elves. They all looked very glum. Estel was the only one looking vaguely cheerful. He caught Legolas's eye and winked. Legolas blushed.

                  Presently a wizard, who Legolas recognised, and a hobbit entered. The hobbit looked near death, but Legolas found him rather striking. The hobbit looked around nervously as Elrond spoke with them. Legolas watched with fascination as the hobbit sat down.

                  A very wrinkled dwarf got up. "It is now many years ago…" he began. Legolas yawned and sank into his chair. Dwarves could be so boring.

                  He twiddled his thumbs and stroked his hair. That did not sustain his interest for long. After the dwarf finally finished, Elrond, Gandalf and other people inserted comments.

                  Legolas sank lower into his chair and he started thinking of Mirkwood and his past husbands. His thoughts trailed to his new love and he suddenly realised that he was sitting on her!

                  Legolas jumped up, interrupting Aragorn. "Alas! Alas!" cried Legolas, and in his fair elvish face there was great distress. Far too late he realised what he had done. The entire council was looking at him, or rather, they were looking at his waving hand that held his crumpled love. 

                  Legolas hastily put his love into his shirt. He broke into sweat when the situation dawned on him. He was "the bearer of news" and he had now just set himself up to reveal all.

                  Legolas swallowed, replaying everything that had just been said from his subconscious memory. Aragorn had talked about Gollum being in prison. So his father had locked him up after all! This brought back stinging memories from five decades ago. Oh how he missed his sweet, sweet, ex-husband – his pale, translucent skin, his extraordinarily long limbs, his single strands of hair, his split personality.

                  He took a deep breath. Now was not the time for regrets, it was time for revenge. "The tidings I was sent to bring must now be told!" he proclaimed, and with that, a whole new chunk of history was invented.

                  Legolas spoke passionately about Gollum being allowed to climb trees and guards watching him as he did. Then one day orcs attacked and took the guards and Gollum ran away! 

                  Yay! thought Legolas, imagine that!

                  Little did he know that this was not far from the truth.

                  "Well, well, he is gone," said Gandalf after he'd finished and so the matter was closed.

                  Legolas sat back down, relieved that his ugly secrets had not been unleashed. Then, realising his betrayal of his ex-love, Legolas suffered silently as the council went on.


End file.
